‘Take care of yourself first’… When on a flight, the safety briefing always reminds adults to put their mask on first, in order to then be able to help others. But focusing on oneself in a crisis feels selfish. How and why do we need to practice self care, before tending to our loved ones, when in a state of grief?

It means giving yourself permission to prioritise your own emotional, physical, and mental wellbeing, even when others around you are hurting too. It’s not selfish; it’s essential.

When you’re grieving, it’s easy to put your own needs aside to care for others, but unprocessed grief can lead to emotional burnout, resentment, or even physical illness. Grief support helps you break that cycle.

When a family experiences a shared loss, like the death of a loved one, everyone grieves differently. Some may cry openly, others may withdraw, and some might try to “stay strong” for everyone else. In this emotional swirl, it’s easy to neglect your own needs while trying to support others. But here’s the truth: you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Taking care of yourself first means:

• Acknowledging your own grief without minimising it in comparison to others’
• Setting boundaries when you need space, rest, or quiet
• Asking for help instead of always being the helper
• Tending to your body with sleep, nourishment, and movement
• Allowing yourself to feel – even if your emotions don’t match those around you

By caring for yourself during grief, you not only protect your own wellbeing but also support your family’s healing. When you honour your own emotions and needs, you model healthy grieving for others and prevent burnout, exhaustion and resentment. This way, by demonstrating self-care, you help create a more balanced, compassionate environment where everyone can begin to heal together.

Taking care of yourself first doesn’t mean shutting others out. Instead, it means showing up for them from a place of strength, not depletion. It’s an act of love, not only for yourself but for your family too. This is why it’s important to find support through community grief support groups or through grief counselling or coaching.

5 ways that grief counselling or coaching supports self-care

1. Creates a Safe Space Just for You
You’re given permission to express your emotions without judgment or pressure to “stay strong.” This emotional release is essential for your own healing and prevents you from bottling up pain while trying to support others.

2. Helps You Understand and Normalise Your Grief
Grief professionals help you recognise that your reactions, whether sadness, anger, guilt, or numbness, are valid. This self-awareness reduces shame and allows you to respond to others with more empathy and patience.

3. Teaches Emotional Regulation Tools
You’ll learn techniques like grounding exercises, breathwork, journaling, or mindfulness to manage emotional overwhelm. These tools help you stay centered, especially when family dynamics become emotionally charged.

4. Rebuilds Your Energy and Boundaries
Grief coaching encourages you to rest, set boundaries, and say no when needed. This protects your energy and ensures you’re not over-extending yourself while trying to care for others.

5. Strengthens Communication and Compassion
You’ll gain insight into how others grieve differently and how to support them without losing yourself. This fosters healthier family interactions and reduces conflict during a vulnerable time.

I encourage you to equip yourself to walk beside your bereaved friends and family with greater clarity and compassion, and to ensure that you grant yourself the same compassion and grace you may have for them.